Me: Hey
[beep]: (chewing) Hey.
Me: Eh, it’s Coin. I’m so effing stressed. Calisto’s dead, like remember in Jennifer’s Body where Chip said his mum was catatonic like a zombie-mannequin-robot statue? Like that dead and what’s weird is that when he does come round, this really disturbing icon that’s not even in the manual shows.
[beep]: (chewing) uh…
Effing [beep]! Why’s he always chewing when he’s on the phone? And anyway, doesn’t “catatonic like a zombie mannequin robot statue” kinda sorta explain what’s happened? Argh! What an idiot!
Me: So, like, I was…
I took sip of the screw-driver and explained what happened – well, not exactly what happened, just the parts that [beep] needed to know – he’s the last person that needs to know that I have a mini-meltdown over a dumb-ass smartphone.
Me: What do you think it is? Do I like need a new battery or is it like totally kaput? Which would be like a real disaster because I have work and stuff and I won’t have time to get a new phone or battery and I’m gonna miss all that stuff that I’m gonna miss.
[beep]: (laughs, almost chokes then continues chewing) FOMO much, Coinizzle? OK? Sounds like you just have to wipe the gold bits on the battery and your phone with one of those cotton buds and Bob’s your uncle.
Me: Are you serious? I hope you’re not like practical-joking me like on Modern Family.
[beep]: Nah, but it usually does the trick.
Me: OK, hold the line.
I hurried to the bathroom and looked in the mirror cabinet for cotton buds. There was one left. I took it out and dismantled Calisto and wiped the metal bits with
the cotton bud and tried switching the phone on.
Holy crap! If this works, I’m giving up alcohol for like two months, starting today.
Me: Well, I just did that and it’s rebooting, all right.
[beep]:(chewing) Sweet
Me: Anyway, while I wait, [beep], why are you always chewing? It’s kinda disturbing and creepy.
[beep]: To keep my blood sugar levels up.
DOH!
Me: Oh…
[beep]:(chewing)
Me: Anyway, looks like it’s working all right. Thanks.
[beep]: Aite, later.
Me: Co-
He hung up! That bum-rush! Can I still call him a bum-rush if he’s got low blood sugar? Anyway, LED light flashing red? I’m gonna need a drink.
– end –
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